Joke thread

[bigrich]

Place for all the Jokes you come across...


got this one today..



Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

 Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says
 'I've had enough of this'.
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,
'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'


Paddy says 'I've put the dog in our yard .
Fookin' see how THEY like it !'

[Bumble1290]

Paddy goes to the doctor and says doctor my arse has been sore can you have a look at it for me.

Doctor get up on the table an get undressed.
The doctor begins to examine him and notices a 20 pound note sticking out, so he pulls it out, to his amazment he sees another note and another and another.

Once the doctor finishes removing all the notes Paddy turns to hm and says, well how much money did you remove doc.

The doctor adds all the notes up and says 1975 pounds, to which Paddy replys I knew I wasn't feeling to grand.

Boom tiss 

[Seagull]

Place for all the Jokes you come across...


got this one today..



Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

 Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says
 'I've had enough of this'.
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,
'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'


Paddy says 'I've put the dog in our yard .
Fookin' see how THEY like it !'

That actually happens at my house.. aint no joke 

[auto]

Myspace

[bigrich]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her
 for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
 not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque
 and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
 On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
 whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
 cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
 'Dear Madam:
 Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
 the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
 impression that:
 #1 - it had never been occupied;
 #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
 #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
 However, I found out that
 #1 - it had been previously occupied,
 #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
 #3 - it was entirely too large.'
 Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
 with the following note:
 ' Dear Sir:
 #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
 remain unoccupied indefinitely.
 #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
 #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
 you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
 management.
 Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
 landlady

[bigrich]

Dr. Calvin Rickson , a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh1t out of him.

[POWERZONE]

Two blondes meet on opposite sides of a river.........

One shouts "how do you get to the other side?"

The other one shouts "you are on the other side!"

[Everso Biggyballies]

How Men Think

A woman had been in a coma for months following and accident. One day while nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath, one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and, sure enough, there was a small, recognisable movement.

Excitedly, they went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but with their assurance that they'd close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, nothing.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

[Bob_Marley_Man]

Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"

[ibd77]

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program...or from the senior bank
clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to
be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 Angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Diet Coke because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next  70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother
taking it off now, it's too late.    P.S.  Merry Christmas!   xx

[ibd77]

TAINT BUBBa

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "no, 'tain't Bubba." The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes.

Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."




City cop was on a horse

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said,  'he sure did'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop
and said, 'Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'

[ibd77]

TO MY DEAR WIFE

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[Everso Biggyballies]

 

[Everso Biggyballies]

4 Nuns at the Gates of Heaven....

St Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well once I looked at a mans penis" she said

"Put some Holy Water on your eyes and you may enter," Peter said

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

She said "Well once I held a mans penis."

"Put your hand in the Holy Water and you may enter"

Just then the fourth nun pushes to the front.... Peter asks why she has pushed in?





Because I want to gargle before she sits in it.....

[bigrich]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane
knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I
nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.   

[Bumble1290]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[ibd77]

This not a joke but it turns out to be very funny.

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Apparently the student recieved an A+

[bigrich]

Oldie but goodie..



A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was scrounging around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. So I walked over and lifted up her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do," asks the doctor."

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'

I don't remember much after that."

[Everso Biggyballies]

Hehehehehehehe
 

[Mad Maper 13]

This not a joke but it turns out to be very funny.

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Apparently the student recieved an A+

Where did you get this from