Joke thread

[bradk12fan]

HAHAHAHA

[Ian G.]

The  Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my  wife all over her
body with the finest olive  oil,
Then  we made passionate love. I made her scream, non  stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman  said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over  her body
with  special aphrodisiac oil,
And  then we made passionate love. I made her scream  for fifteen
minutes straight."


The  Australian fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last  night I massaged
my wife all over her body with  a special butter.
I  caressed her entire body  with the   butter, and then made love. I
made her scream  for two long hours."

The Italian and  Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours?  Phenomenal!

How did you do it to make her  scream for two hours?"





The  Aussie: "I wiped my hands on the  curtains."
 

[Jiji_the_cat]

 

[bradk12fan]

My friend sent me this on YouTube:



It's the Axis of Awesome's song 4 Chords, and I think it's an awesome comedic song

[kevrulezz]

yeah I was given the link to that only a few weeks ago myself, awesome song.

[Ian G.]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.

They're asking for a $10 million ransom.

 

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'





'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

 

 

[Ian G.]

 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

     + Tourist:                                                     $5.00

    + Broiled  Missionary:                               $10.00

    + Fried  Explorer:                                      $15.00

    +Baked Australian Parliament member:      $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
 

"Why such a high price for the Australian Politicians?"

The cook replied,





"Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of   , it takes all day long."

[bradk12fan]

SAD NEWS:

The Pillsburry Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and tramatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had another one in the oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Ian G.]

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the maths!
Ok, just humor me and do it!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would
enjoy the most.
It really works! .....for MOST of us anyway!
 
 
 

Movie Quiz

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted
favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Movie List:
 
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Gillard Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
 
 
Now, ain't that something..?
 

[kevrulezz]

Oh my God it was correct! 

[Mothers Worry]

Now that tax time for 2010-2011 is well and truly behind us I can post this without overly upsetting my accountant:

A job interview is in progress, a bright and experienced accountant is interviewing for a position of a CFO. He is being interviewed by the members of board of directors and a CEO. During the interview the CEO suddenly asks: "Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?" The accountant thinks fast and tells "22." Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer - 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, "Hey, you got a job." The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, "Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?" The CEO tells him - "of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest."

Bloody taxation, stupid accountant.

[Ian G.]

A Drover walks into a bar with

A pet crocodile by his side.



He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   

He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his

Mouth for one minute. 



'Then he'll open his mouth

And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this

Spectacle,

Each of you will buy me a drink.'



The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,

Dropped his trousers,

And placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth

As the crowd gasped.

After a minute,

The man grabbed a beer

Bottle and smacked the

Crocodile really,really hard on the top of

Its head

.   

The croc opened his mouth

And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,

And the first of his free

Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A blonde woman timidly

Spoke up..........

'I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard

With the beer bottle!'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

   

 
 
 
 
 
 

   

   

 
 
 
 

   


 

[Ian G.]

A young man moved out from mom and dad's house and into an apartment,

on his own for the first time.


He proudly went down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,

wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,

I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment,she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing

her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."


Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?,......
Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural."
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. ..I have a 28 inch waist,.
Look at my skin not a blemish anywhere."


"How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered...







"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming............ that was me."

 

[bradk12fan]

2 dyslexics run into a bank and yell:

Air in the hands!

This is a F*CK up!