Joke thread

[Everso Biggyballies]

 


Classic.

[Jiji_the_cat]

 

maybe a lot of cocks will droop...

[ibd77]

maybe a lot of cocks will droop...

Great more Viagra spin 

[Everso Biggyballies]

Shame the actual (real) Chinese animal years dont match the joke, but why spoil a good joke with the truth

[Eno the Wonderdog]

I nearly fell off my chair then! Nice one centurian! 

[bigrich]

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so
what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ……Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

[f1engineer]

everyone used to tell me i was indecisive, but now i'm not so sure.....

[Cammos]

Plagiarised joke!

three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, catch up!

[Timbit]

^hahaha, I'm going to start saying that one!

I have a...following for saying bad/lame jokes. My all time favourite that I made up is:

What happened to the author that had writer's block?
He...lost the plot!

[Everso Biggyballies]

three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, catch up!

Its a bit like the STD germ runs across the road without looking, gets half way and then sees a huge fully laden semi trailer a foot away and going to hit him for sure..... Last thing it said....  Oooops Im a gonner 'ere.  

[Cammos]

^hahaha, I'm going to start saying that one!

I have a...following for saying bad/lame jokes. My all time favourite that I made up is:

What happened to the author that had writer's block?
He...lost the plot!

I got it from Pulp Fiction.

[Everso Biggyballies]

Not so much a joke but it seems an appropriate place to put this.....

Genuine Council Complaints

Extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Commissions.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* My neighbour's 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

* My bush around the front is really overgrown, and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

* ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

* ...but it is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

[f1engineer]

* My neighbour's 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

Made against EB's parents when he was younger (about 2 years ago)

[Richarbl]

Looks like swine flu has reached Hollywood. In latest news, Kevin Bacon was taken to hosp.....

[f1engineer]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the Middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called to his wife for assistance, but
after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart, What do you think he's going To be when he grows
older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

[Everso Biggyballies]

E Mail received from a couple of pommie mates....

What do you call an Australian at the Twenty20 World Cup?

Spoiler

A spectator!  

[ibd77]

Negative People
       
A  woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled  for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She  mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   
       
        "Rome?    Why  would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..  You're crazy to go  to Rome.    So,  how are you getting there?"   
       
        "We're  taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great  rate!"   
       
        "Continental?"  exclaimed the hairdresser."    That's  a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight  attendants are ugly, and they're always  late.    So,  where are you staying  in Rome?"
       
        "We'll  be at this exclusive little place over on Rome   's  Tiber River called Teste."   
       
        "Don't  go any further. I know that place.  Everybody  thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but  it's really a dump."
       
        "We're  going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see  the Pope.."
       
        "That's  rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other  people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of  an ant.     Boy,  good luck on this lousy trip of  yours.    You're  going to need it." 
       
        A  month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The  hairdresser asked her about her trip to  Rome   .   
       
        "It  was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we  on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it  was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome  28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   
       
        And  the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million  remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel  in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they  apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra  charge!"
       
        "Well,"  muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but  I know you didn't get to see the  Pope." 
       
        "Actually,  we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a  Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained  that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if  I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and  wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   
       
        Sure  enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the  door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few  words to me." 
       
        "Oh,  really!  What'd he say ?"     
       
       
           

       
           
       
        He  said: "Who   - ed  up your  hair?"

[Eno the Wonderdog]

  That's a cracker 

[Eno the Wonderdog]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter ? '
 
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
 
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
 
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here.'
 
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
 
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
 
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.  Her mother died, too.'

[f1engineer]

This was sent from Barrier aviation....